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Bracing the waves

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Dearest readers,

Below is the small spiel piece I did on the 22nd April at roughly 07:45 BST. Here linked is the previous spiel I did back in September on something else different.  This piece is not about brushing anger off, rather explaining that we need to be aware of inner subjectivity vs. outer expression and that the two might not match, as well as not assuming and impressing our own perceptions and expectations onto someone else. I also only had three to five minutes... which I could easily overshoot so trust me, I could go on for hours.

I urge you to consider your own reflections, standpoint and why you perceive others the way you do.

tc
-krysiawally
This thought for the day comes at an interesting time for me as I have had an awful lot of choose from over the last three months I could talk about, too much in fact. But if I were to boil it all down to one thing, and actually the idea I had last all of - it would be 'dealing with life when it throws lemons at you'
To s…

Lonely, not alone

Dearest readers, 
I upload no photograph this time, as the picture I want to talk about is not mine. I link it here and take no credit for for it at all for I believe all comments on how beautiful the piece is needs to go to the artist. It is not my work. I merely found it in passing. I found this art piece many years ago now, when I first got a laptop when I was about fifteen. I think I was googling "lonely, but not alone", as that is how I spent a great deal of my teenage years, yet could never articulate it in a way others would just 'get'. Although I was never diagnosed when I was much younger, I've had problems with depression since I was 12/13 years old. It has really only been in the last few years I have come to understand 'it is not just part of autism' and has been released from diagnostic overshadowing. It has fluctuated between not being a bother to being a massive disruption - sometimes with a distinct reason but other times just out of nowh…

Locked in/locked out

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Dearest readers, 
I've been sitting and having a think about what to write as a break from revision. My room is currently covered in mind maps as well as post it notes about an essay I think I may supposed to be further ahead on ... you could say I am procrastinating, but I've always found to over cram revision does not work and over cooking it just makes any work you have done not worth it. I had a scroll through some snaps for some inspiration and I came across this photograph. This is of a gate in the Berlin Wall - the part still up on the East Side Gallery. I remember living in Berlin fondly although very happy to be based back in the UK now. 
At the time I took this photo for artistic reasons, however as I look at it now, I can see actually it can represent so much more. It shows visually how I have felt in the past, and how I can feel.

Like you can see, but cannot reach and whatever you do is not quite good enough. And like others aren't quite getting you.

I know so…

Why are you so hard to get

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Dearest readers,
It's Friday, not that I do typical weekends given my working pattern and exams next month. Still catching up from the overspill a few months ago, but getting there slowly. I there was ever a demonstration of the tortoise and the hare, I am definitely feeling like the tortoise and have a feeling I'll be feeling like one for a while yet. I like comparatively being a tortoise though, as I can't make myself be creative on cue. Things need time to organically grow and develop, although when put up against a time limit I do seem to be able to crack things out as and when required... if required. 
The title: it's a tough one. I have been told this. It's not particularly helpful... understatement... so I thought rather than me telling you the obvious of 'how I cannot change my lifeworld without detrimental harm, disrespectful blah blah, I have felt the same etc etc', I'd take you on a journey. Journeys are sometimes fun, we often learn on jour…

Challenge yourself

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Dearest readers, 
The picture above: the rainbow behind some houses. This seems very fitting actually for two colliding events. Both of them I am at "risk" of being over preachy or people telling me I should keep my trap firmly shut. Both of them are at "risk" of offending someone. But given how much people have offended me in the past, recent and distant, I'm going to plow on anyway as skirting around issues only causes them to become more taboo, more delicate and more dangerous for us to talk about - all constructed in our own minds - rather than having the healthy respect for people who have a different lifeworld. Yes there are those who infiltrate derogatory and dangerous ideologies, but please do not tar everyone with the same brush as it will only show your own ignorance - something we all have but don't flash around in public. We stereotype constantly. Two groups I am part of - autistics and Christians - are also victim of this as well as many other…

Why I write

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Dearest readers,  I've never told you all why I write this, apart from the mere fact that my second cousin Amy dropped to me in conversation that I should start writing a blog a good 18 months ago now. It's not just Amy's fault I write, although her encouragement to get me started has not gone unnoticed and without her telling me "I'd read it" in response to my "no one will read it", I would have not been challenged and would have not thought that I'd give it a go. I've always found writing an enjoyable task when it is self-directed and chosen. I hated English at school where I was made to be "creative" for this "creative writing" task for my GCSE English... I was always more comfortable with dealing with absolutes and detached things, things not including I or me in the construction just because I've never liked sharing things. It felt too personal. It also felt forced. It felt like I was sharing something too priva…

Reflection in the mirror

Dearest readers,
This is off-piste, off topic and a departure from the standard wittering on here. Bear with me...
Today when I looked in my bathroom mirror, for the first time I saw an adult looking back at me. Someone who looks older than 18, someone who looks like they are making their way in the world, someone who is someone. It probably helped I'd put some makeup on for the first time in a while and was wearing a relatively smart coat, but it was there. An adult. Someone in their twenties with goals, ambitions, aspirations and a path ahead of me. 
I saw a someone. 
I've never been that bothered by age really and see it merely as a societal construct with a list of expectations and responsibilities cultured by other humans, our development and society at large. I don't feel old at 26. I'd never go back to being a child or a teenager ever, for then when I looked in the mirror my reflection was not who was on the outside. The collision of alienated and lost with loo…

Hiding vs showing

Dearest readers, 
A slightly late follow on from my last post... I gave 'Why didn't you tell me' a share through my social media for the year anniversary since I wrote it and made me think: people knowing who I am, is this an actual benefit or does this ultimately cause me more trouble than it is worth? Do I need to live a lie to live the life where I can do what my non-judged, non-stigmatised peers without the same attitudinal barriers? Have I got the energy to turn this around and to push for the space that ought to be equitable in terms of access and respect? How equitable are spaces in reality? 
I ask these questions not to say that I am hard done by, because in all reality I am quite privileged in a manner that not all autistic people are in terms of my social network around me of parents and sister, friends and colleagues (academic and otherwise). I pose these questions rather to ask how we hold ourselves responsible, if at all,  for the change that is so desperatel…

Standing against the tide

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Dearest readers,
This photo above from our last "big" family holiday in 2010 seems very appropriate in terms of not only the title which inspired me, but how dramatic it looks. This was taken on a holiday where we went to stay with my mum's aunt and uncle in Arizona after I had finished my A-levels. I googled the dancing water fountain and there are still shows outside the Bellagio Hotel on the Las Vegas strip if anyone is still interested. I haven't been back to the USA since we left on the 11th August 2010, so it has been a while. Staying in Las Vegas was one of my favourite parts of the trip, especially as an eighteen year old who loved bright colours and often made bold statements in clothing choice (ahem, sadly this is no longer the case anymore fortunately).
This photo and title are relevant, as this is seemingly what I am doing in many parts of my life. I actually started writing this about 3 weeks ago, but have just never got around to finishing it. I never …

That large black raincloud

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Dearest readers, 
I want to share with you this time how my life currently feels: 
Like the above. I have honestly had a lot thrown at me over the last ten days that I have, if I'm honest, have lost count including a car accident of my car - only my car since November last year. I have no energy left to fight and it does honestly feel like it would be easier to give up and pull the plug. It has been a while since I have been "this bad" - during and after a stint homeless in a foreign country and being constructively dismissed and humiliated by my first job after I graduated being the last 2 stints. Although feeling a bit improved off of where I was at the end of last week, the damage has already been done. This does not mean I will not stop fighting, rather will fight in a different way. 
I've known depression since I was about 12 years old - I rarely talk about it as it comes and goes; sometimes with reason and sometimes without. I have been on long term medication…